‘Knowing what runs in his head’

“If you like a thing just put a ring on it..woh-o-o-o-woho..”, he sang in his atonal-malapropism way. I sat there wondering, “For past few days he has been singing it wrong. I expected him to know by now. If I stop him, will it be nagging? After all I stop him from doing so many things. I nag him for chewing too loud, for singing in public and for his skepticism. God! I don’t want to hear the endless list. Can I think of something else? Where was I? Oh yes! Should I tell him not to murder one of the greatest hits of Beyoncé?” 

Before my chain of thoughts could near the end, he stopped singing. I thank my stars. There must be a God after all. I continue to look outside the window. The pandemic has left the streets deserted. I don’t want to think about the grim situation and so I continue to think of us.

 

“Chris and I have been dating for over 5 years now. Some mutual friends had introduced us in a college party somewhere in 2015 and I instantly disliked him. He seemed like one of those discombobulated licentious teenager who would not know fidelity is the norm of a civilized society. The night we met, while he went around flirting, I had my guard up. I was ready to rebuff all sorts of advances. I was rehearsing some nice shoot downs but before he could circle to me, a friend prompted that we should play Truth-n-Dare. Everyone agreed.”

“Everyone sat around a circular table with an empty beer bottle placed at the center, as is customary for the game. I comfortably chose to sit between two female friends. Any male presence just raised horrid conundrum of feelings in me. I hated their kind. Well, I had my reasons then. I had just had a terrible relationship. I caught him cheating and he came up with the lamest excuse- “We didn’t do it on purpose.” In a quixotic world, it might have worked but I was a movie buff. Had heard it a dozen times on screen before he said it to me in person.”

 

“While everyone else played, I noticed, clearly, Chris was eyeing for a particular girl. Not that others weren’t beautiful enough; it’s just that she was the most pretentious one. She tried to play hard to get and Chris didn’t persuade her anymore. It was hilarious at the moment. I chuckled as that girl sat in awe. I don’t know why he did that but I disliked him a little less. He didn’t seem to be of the same kind I had repulsive feelings for a few minutes ago.”

 

“I cannot say for sure if he noticed me that night. I cannot say for sure why after a few months he asked me out. Chris is very hard to read. One can never tell what runs in his head. He is completely opposite to guys I usually hang out with. He expresses very little on the deep emotional level. Although he did cry once when I was going for a tour for a month. He just doesn’t share the romantic side most Romeos do. For instance, he doesn’t talk about when exactly he fell head over heels for me or what he loves the most about me. He isn’t even keen on nicknames. He is tender and loving but in his own way. He is more comic than romantic.”

 

“I had said yes to him only because I believed we would end up friends within a week. Had I been told that Chris and I would make a perfect couple back then, I would have given the ugliest derisive snort. But here we are.. Despite his eccentricities that gets to my nerves, I love him. I am crazy for him.”

 

“When we decided to move in together three years back, we were told it’s too soon. Some frowned upon us and some just couldn’t believe we were at that stage. Neither did I. But we personally didn’t put much thought into it. I remember sitting in the college library. I just mumbled to him, “My roommate is moving out. Do you want to move in?” I couldn’t believe those words actually came out of me. Afraid I must have pushed my luck too far this time, I continued to look in my book, avoiding all sorts of eye contact. He casually said, “That might be a great idea. College is far from my place. It might be convenient.” That’s all that he said. No other demeanor to read. Not a sweat. Not a smile. If only I could know what’s running in his head!”

 

Right now he is looking for something in the kitchen. I take a break from my thoughts. What could he possibly want early in the morning? All he eats in the morning is chocolate cereal and milk. He adds three big spoons of sugar to it. This is all he eats. He loves it. I tried to make him switch to porridge but he somehow managed to get the chocolate ones from some shady online place. I thought the lockdown and the pandemic would end his habit but he keeps figuring out a way to buy it. I think I might be jealous of him because he never gains weight, thanks to a great metabolism.

 

He continues to torpedo the kitchen. I turn and ask, “Need help?”, guising my annoyance with the laziness of early morning. He says in a chirpy tone, “Not at all! Just looking for my usual breakfast bowl.” I have a lot of things to say. But again, I did not want to nag. I turn my head to the empty streets. I think, “It’s his house too. It has been our abode for three years now. And moreover, I have learned to clean up after his mess. At this thought I smile and whisper, “Look! Finally one of his eccentricities doesn’t make me jump out of my skin.” That’s growth, right? I read somewhere- ‘Marriage is not a contract. It is a lifelong of negotiations.’ This live-in arrangement is no less than a marriage. If anyone says otherwise, he is out of his mind. Live-in might not be as permanent as marriage but for as long as it lasts, one ought to get the taste of what marriage feels like. ‘As long as it lasts’. Why do I let myself think of such a horrible thing every day? Well! How could I avoid this? After all, lately many of our couple friends have had terrible fallouts.”

 

Inadvertently, the grim situation outside does become the center of my thoughts. “This pandemic has cost so many lives. The political quagmire has made things worse. Poor governance and ineffective measures have taken a toll for worse. People have lost all hope. There are many economic cut downs that has led to some layoffs. It has also cost relationships. Staying at home all through the hours, looking at the world through only one window  pane has made people lose their minds. They then manifest their anger on their spouses.”

 

“Chris and I have stable jobs but no one can be certain in these uncertain times. Can they? Could we be next? I don’t think we could. From today I have cut down my nagging because I am crazy for him. I don’t want to lose him because of my nagging.”

 

“Chris might not say that often but I know he is crazy for me. He quit smoking for me. He listened to my nagging every day until yesterday. Yet, he coddles me like I am his only source of happiness. Like a clock work, he makes sure I eat all my meals in time with him. If anything, working from home has only brought us closer. He listens more than he speaks. When I annoy him to the core, he scolds me but he apologizes most of the times- the other times I try to mend things because I feel I cannot not talk to him. How could things end now? It’s been 5 years. Our families have met each other. If we breakup, will I have stop talking to his family too? How could we breakup? We never can. Our lives are entangled together. We are way past the friendship-after-breakup phase. But most of all, I don’t know if I can ever fill his void in my life. Does Chris feel the same? I am not certain about the last part. If only I could know what runs in his head!”

 

Chris interrupts my quaint, yet gloomy morning, “Do you want the honey porridge or the fruit one?” Refusing to shed the tear, which had unknowingly travelled to the edge of my eye, I pull the left sleeve of my sweater to my palm, bring my knees close to my chest, rest my palm on my knee and turning my head to the right side, I rest my face over my palm while pretending to glance over the dried leaves outside the window. I reply, “In mood for some honey.” 

 

Chris in his chirpy mood continues to make breakfast for us, while I try to transcend the fidgety mind. He is humming some song. I have no way in the world to know what song it might be for his humming is more atonal than his singing. 

 

I hear Chris put down the bowls on the table. I get up. My sleeve has soaked the tear well. I cannot tell if Chris knows what I was thinking. I can never tell. 

 

I walk towards the table. He smiles. I can trade anything for his smile. It is one of those rare smiles that brightens up your day. I smile back and lean to plant a kiss on his lips. He then pulls up the chair for me. I sit down but wait to pick my spoon till he sits too. Chris needed appreciation for everything he did and so I knew every time I sat to eat, he wanted me to say how well he cooked. This I knew. Perhaps the only time I could tell what ran in his head. 

                                                                  

He sits down and smiles with anticipation. I pick the spoon while I lock my reassuring eyes with his because I know he could never cook something bad.  I take a spoonful. He stretches out his arm across the table and says, “Violet, could you make me the luckiest man on earth?” I wanted to scream with joy but it was hard as I had to make sure not to swallow the ring. My eyes welled up. Now I know for sure what ran in his head.