Edena's Letter: Avyaan

Hey, Mom!

Sorry, mom! I haven't written to you in so long. It is almost six months. I was caught up in the coursework for my Diploma. You really encouraged me to study and after the pandemic, I was really low and in between jobs. I decided to pursue the course. It wasn't a big deal because it was just a diploma. I didn't want to bother you with it. 

Since I am writing to you, I know you must have figured out something is wrong. I have a nagging feeling lately. I wonder what would have happened if romantic movies/stories became a reality. It’s just a wishful thinking. This has been a recurring thought for almost three months now. I was in denial for almost two months until one day I succumbed to the obvious.

Avyaan is the cause of all the upheaval in my life. My life wasn’t great before I met him but at least the only sorted thing was my incapacity to get infatuated to someone. 

As you are aware, I had been in a complicated relationship for nine years. You remember Viraj? I will give you a recap of him- things were great in the initial five years of dating Viraj and then when reality struck, he started chickening out. Of course, I loved him! I kept trying for another four years but the will to fight for my love started dwindling over the course of time. I had issued ultimatums and I knew I would be losing a best friend if things ended. We tried being friends then; which to my surprise stuck for a while. Feelings stayed but they metamorphosed into respect. 

I enrolled for the course six months back. I stayed alone and studied but then 3 months-in came the assignment-season. We were to visit college and research on our topics and then, eventually, submit our work. Feedbacks were to be given by Faculties and we were to resubmit the work. This is when I met Avyaan. 

The first day I met him, I found him average looking but someone full of himself. The kind I had always hated. I knew he wasn’t ever going to be my friend. He was a know-it-all. How could I be his friend? But how to avoid someone sitting in the same library from the same course, I didn’t know. The only thing I could do was interact as little as possible. He picked arguments with everyone. I wondered where does he draw the line?

We interacted in groups which I tried to keep to the minimum. Two weeks later, he disappeared. He stopped coming to college and I didnt give him much thought. The strength of other students also started dwindling. Only those showed up in the library who wanted to work. I was escaping my own relationship issues so I didn’t skip. I simply sat in the library to escape my demons. My body adversely reacted to the stress. I started having hormonal issues. 

When he returned, it so happened that we were the only two. He wasn’t interested in me. I thought why would he be, owing to the insecurities I held about my looks. He was materialistic in all respects. At least that was what I thought! I couldn’t care less about a person like him.  It didn’t bother me. Nonetheless, we interacted briefly during lunch. I disliked him a little less. Next day onwards we interacted a little more and I considered him a friend. I learned he had a girlfriend and his nature was a defence mechanism. He had met mean people and it took him time to warm up to people. His nature towards me changed as well. He became polite.

Maybe polite and little kindness was all that I was looking for. One day, a third batchmate showed up. We had hardly interacted with her before. We three spent quite sometime together. I got to know that all of us were dating someone; my ‘dating’ life, although the longest amongst the three, was prefixed with ‘complicated’; though I didn’t tell them it had ended long before. That day things really changed. We had beer together. That is when I had a premonition- Avyaan and Neha would be my friends for long. 

Our interactions increased, although in group settings. We went on trip as a group. We started hanging out in the evenings. All this we did together but never without a group. I think he was afraid I would take things in a wrong sense if it was just the two of us. I understood the concern. I had to give him assurances subtly that I never date friends. Eventually, Avyaan understood. We still don’t hang out alone but he is comfortable around me. 

I lied. Somewhere down the line, I got infatuated to him. Everyone can sense that, I think. They might be wrong. I think I have fallen for him. I know the exact moment when that warm feeling for him culminated in me. 

One day while we were on trip, he did something very unusual....

He is very particular about the food on his plate but that day, he shared the last piece of kebab with me when we all went out for dinner. He noticed. No one else did. He cared. That struck the right cords in my heart. 

After that I have been loving him every minute. He sits only by my side. He waits and walks with me. He waits for me when everyone has left. I know he doesn’t feel anything for me. How could he? I am not traditionally beautiful. Over and above, he has a very beautiful girlfriend. 

I don’t get jealous when he talks about her. Should I? They are happy. They go on trips and he disappears from library for days. He leaves everything and everyone when she calls or messages. I appreciate that. I don’t want him to go through a breakup either. I care for him a lot and seeing him go through a heartbreak would break me as well.

My perplexity is, does he see me as friend or as a sister? Not that it matters because nothing can transpire between us and he wouldn’t ever love me. Real life has no happy endings. 

Honestly though, I want to be wrong.

It has been 4 days since he messaged or met me. Somewhere down I was thinking he might be growing fond of me. I came to expect his messages on weekends when we didn’t meet. He always meant business in the few messages he sent but my mind beguiled me into believing that he just cared and missed me. As is apparent, he doesn’t care at all. He is on a romantic trip with his girlfriend. There is no way he would care about anyone else, especially me. 

It’s cute though. Thinking he is on a trip with someone he loves and is giving her his undivided attention.

Maybe it’s just crush and I just need to move away to get over him. The bad thing was I messaged my ex. It’s sad, I know. I am talking to him for all the wrong reasons. 

I wish "Avyaan and Edena" could be a thing. He is a forbidden person- a friend who is in a relationship. He would never reciprocate. But all I know for sure is,

My heart skips a beat when he messages.

The days we don’t meet and my phone beeps, 

I rush to see if it’s him. My heart breaks when it’s not. 

When it is, I smile like that’s the best thing.

I cannot share this with any friend because it is inappropriate.  He is happy and there is no reason I should meddle in his life. It feels like I am going to take this secret with me until the end of time. The feelings are not diminishing. They are growing. He wants to put as much space between us as possible and I am fool dreaming about him. An actual dream. Not something inappropriate. Just a dream where we talk and sit side-by-side. That, too, is wrong according to me. Just because I am unable to find a way to process my feelings or unable to act on my instincts, I cannot mess someone's life or make a fool of myself. 

I want to message and ask him if he is fine. He was travelling so I want to know how was the trip. I want to ask him for pictures from the day he went partying with his friends. We had discussed about what he should wear. It is all so bad. I hope it is a silly crush that somehow happened after nine years magically. With equal fervour that magic should die. I cannot wait for it to end.

I have two options- to let it naturally end or to date other guys. There is a slight chance of the third one- to tell him. I dread the last option more than anything.

I so wish you were around to tell me what to do. Don't feel sorry for me because I still write to you after fourteen years of your death. I don't believe in ghosts or something creepy. I do, however, believe that you have always loved me no matter where you were. I want to share every bit of my life with you. You have been my diary ever since I could talk. Your death just made me move to an actual diary, pretending you would read it every time I write. 

Well, until next time!

Lots of love!

Your favourite,

Edena