Sam's Forever #2

 "Childhood love stories are the proof of one's naïveté. Not calculated or augured. Just run by compulsive hormones- first, pheromones and then, dopamine", I say as I sip my Diet Coke through the paper straw. I hate the paper straws. I mean they are good for the environment but they get soggy really soon, as has happened with me. He has asked me so many questions about my job as an associate manager, my BBA and MBA, and how I liked the job in my present company. His questions and excitement thwarted my efforts to ask him anything at all. 

Viaan has done the impossible- he made me talk about my feelings. I rarely do that with strangers. Yet, here we are. I am talking and he is looking at me with an inexplicable gaze. I want to look in his eyes. I want the time to stand still. But neither I can nor the Universe can do that. His eyes have a piercing look. Every time I try to look into them, I get shifty. I know as a matter of fact that I still don't hold a candle to all his girlfriends. He is way better looking than I am. I want him to speak because I think I have been doing most of the talking here and all he did was look at me.

I continue playing with me straw, trying to salvage the paper, when he says, "That was so deep." He smiles and takes a sip of his beer. He has had that one beer bottle since the moment we sat down. I furtively glance at my watch to see how long have we been sitting. It is close to 10:30.

I look up, wanting him to add more, when I catch his gaze. He has a fleck of green in his brown eyes. Even in the shoddy lights of the cafe, I can distinctly make it out. We hold the stare for a few seconds, when he says, "I just asked if you are still in a relationship with the guy you used to hang out with and you gave me the most bizarre and coloured response, like some literary aficionado." He guffaws. I let out a chuckle. He adds, "So? What is it? Are you still with him?"

I was a little taken aback when he asked me the question first time. I never thought he noticed me much. I sigh looking down at my glass and say, "That was just my way of awkwardly saying that he and I aren't together any more. It started as a juvenile thing and it ended the moment real world hit us. His priorities lay in living life a day at a time and shred away from any commitment." I pause because I think I have divulged more than he asked for. I remove the straw which is literally in shambles now. He signals the waiter to replace my drink. I thank him with an appreciative smile and glance back down. I think the awkward conversation about my past has ended and this could be a nice moment for me to ask him about his dating life. When the waiter replaces my drink and leaves, before I could say anything, he says, "What did you want from the relationship?" 

I take a deep breath as I close my eyes and say, "I wanted a small commitment. I just wanted him to say that I will always be enough." I didn't want him to see how vulnerable and puerile I was. I finally open my eyes and see him smiling. I found the smile reassuring. He takes another sip and says, "I totally understand what you are saying." I didn't realise when a smile had crept on my face but suddenly the ingenuity in his words made my smile wider. 

I find the perfect window to ask him, "Now, your turn. Tell me about yourself." I did not know the specific thing to ask because I want to know it all. Everything.

He takes another sip and says, "I thought you knew all about me in college." He laughs. I laugh in embarrassment because he finally addressed the elephant in the room. He knows I stalked him. I knew he knows. I simply look down laughing and play with the straw. He stops laughing and extends his hand to touch mine. It is a feather touch just to have my attention. I look up as a chill runs down my spine. He is smiling and so, I force a smile back. He continues, "I did not mean to embarrass you. I just meant it as a joke." He moves his hand back to take another sip. He adds, "I was pursuing an integrated 6 year course of B.Tech and M.Tech. Yes! I am an engineer." I states it casually as he takes another sip before continuing, "I was working as an associate software engineer but today, I got promoted." He passes that into the conversation nonchalantly. My eyes widen and immediately jump in and say, "Congratulations! That is such a good news! Were you here celebrating with friends?" He smiles and says, "Thank you! Yes. They were my colleagues." 

I feel apologetic and say, "I am so sorry you had to ditch them for me. Had I known, we could have done this another time and it would have been perfectly fine." However, sincere my apology is, the other half is a lie. 

He smiles and says, "Don't be sorry. They were all drunk anyway. We were planning to leave long back but when I recognised you, I was pushing them to stay longer so that I could talk to you after your colleagues left." I blush and look down. I am absolutely certain, he is saying things in a platonic way but my brain is still living in a fantasy. I am still not over my crush. He is still breathtakingly handsome to me. He has the same effect on me till today. I am sure he was just curious to know his stalker and nothing more. Frankly, I wanted to know my crush. No matter how delusional I get, the fact remains, I have always known it is a one-sided attraction. Knowing him would only make my heart go fonder. I will wish well for him and maybe find another guy whom I can fall in love. 'Love' is definitely not on horizon for Sam and Viaan. He is way too good-looking. He is way too taller. He is one of those rare persons who is good inside out. He is kind. He is evidently intelligent. He is like the perfect package. I on the other hand, definitely, don't measure up. 

I grasp hold of reality and say, "I want to ask you about your dating life but I don't remember seeing you with the same girl in three years." We both laugh. I don't say anything because I really have no idea how to frame the question. He gets my chain of thought and says, "I had one serious relationship that lasted about two years, but then, 9 years ago, I we parted ways. We both had different expectations from the relationship."

I can sense he is hurting at the thought. I don't want to pry to the extent that he becomes sad. In a desperate attempt to change the topic, I say, "You know, I saw you for the first time roughly 9 years back on a street." His nonchalant smile makes me frown. I was expecting him to be curiouser. As though he could read my mind, he says, "Don't be surprised, but I know. I saw you, too, that day. It was the first day of my third year. I saw my ex-girlfriend for the first time after our breakup. She was clearly not as upset as I was. I decided to leave early from the University. I saw you talking on phone from across the street. You were wearing a peach halter top and a black jeans. You had a high ponytail. You were so engrossed on the call that you, inadvertently, started twisting your hair that was falling on your shoulders. I don't know what made me observe you so carefully. I wanted to look closer but a gust of wind blew in my direction and the dust it had carried made me sneeze. I was really embarrassed by the loud sneeze. Most people laughed but I could see through my peripheral vision, you stood there."

My mouth just fell open in disbelief. I run my hand across my forehead and say, "There is no way you saw me that day. That was the first day I saw you.  I was talking to my parents but you looked like a dream." I shake my head in disbelief.

He chuckles and says, "I think our thoughts intercepted that day. We were on the same page. I thought I would never see you again after that day, but then I saw you again two days later going in to the library. For the first time, I went to the library to see you." He looks down at the beer bottle trying to hide the embarrassment by candid confession. 

I don't know how to react. This is seeming less platonic. It can not be more. I say, "I went to the library everyday to see you. I didn't know your course so I just went to the library to see you. I even followed you out but left after your friends showed up. I don't want you to think I am a weird stalker. I just... how should I put it...found comfort in seeing you around." I take a big gulp from my drink. I look in his direction and see him smiling. I don't see any judgment in his eyes and feel relieved. 

Before I could keep my drink down, he says, "I know. One day, my friends noticed it, too. I had to tell them that they are imagining things. I wanted to talk to you but every time I looked in your direction in the library, you became all flustered. So, I guessed you are just shy." He is still smiling.

I sigh and say, "Yes! That was the weird part. You were like a dream and I did not want to disturb that perfect dream."

He laughs and asks, "You thought I could be that bad if you got to know me personally?"

I smile and say, "Not at all. I always saw you with girls who could be the next Ms. World. I just couldn't picture myself ever competing with all that. My jejune thoughts made it seem impossible for me to see us as friends then."

He looks directly in my eyes. I find them utterly honest and pure. It feels like I can see into his soul. This time I gather the courage to hold the gaze. He smiles and replies, "Those ladies were mostly friends with whom I did some modelling shoots. I never dated again after that relationship ended."

I ask intrigued, "You did modelling? Of course!" I roll my eyes in the obvious. He is definitely out of my league.

He guffaws and says, "It was just some pictures. It paid well. In fact, I didn't, personally, like it. I entered into a contract and that made me miss my library sessions many days." He winks and says, "I had an audience whose eyes lit up seeing me walk into the library. I missed that on days when I had to force a smile for the camera."

I blush and look down. I hold my glass with both my hands. He says, "I saw your books in the library one day and got to know you are a management student. I befriended a model from your department but she was B.Com and she didn't know you." He is blushing. He continues, "I was lucky, though. Your classes ended at the same time and I saw you everyday that whole year. She told me it was your last year and I had resolved to come and talk to you at least once before you leave. I was hoping your course lasted at least one year longer because I did not want to go the entire 6th year without seeing you."

Now I am blushing, too. Is it going in the direction I think it is going? Am I dreaming? He extends his hands and strokes his thumb slightly against my hand. I feel the touch but I have a ringing sensation in my ears. My heart is about to explode. My lungs are not getting enough oxygen. I have goosebumps. I take two deep breaths to steady my breathing. When I am relatively calm, I smile. He cups my hand with his. I look down at our hands. I release the hold of my glass and he slides his hands into my palm. I look up at him. I cannot picture anything better. I cannot think about anything else. I am right in the moment. The perfect moment. 

I look at him and he looks so serene. It is that peaceful moment people crave. I have found it in his face. He says, "When you didn't come to the library that day, I decided to come look for you. When I saw you alone, I thought I will talk to you but you had tears and I couldn't bear the sight. I thought you would be comfortable talking to a girl and so I asked a friend to come talk to you. You know the rest." He smiles and looks at our hands. His hand is on top of mine and his fingers are brushing against my wrist. He continues, "I thought I will talk to you the next day but I didn't see you after that day." He has sadness all over his face. His eyes are still glued to our hands. He doesn't look up.

I say, "I always thought my pheromones are making up things. I liked you and that day was the most humane thing I could think of. I did not like you expecting any future or even a date. I mean, look at you! You are perfect. I never thought I could ever measure up."

The last part of my sentence took him by surprise. He withdraws his hand folds his hands in front of his chest. He looks at me puzzled. I don't know what he expects me to say. It was the truth. He, finally, loosens his hands and extends his hand and holds mine firmly. He says, "After the first day I saw you, no one ever measured up to you. I thought you must have settled with that guy and I was just a passing crush. I had accepted my fate. My parents thought I was gay because even at 30 I refused to marry." He laughs but I force a smile. It is all difficult to grasp the reality. The only thing keeping it real is his hand over mine. It's firm. He wants me to believe everything he is saying. He continues, "After six years of just having a memory of you, I thought I will never see you again. I made a promise to myself last year, if I get the promotion, I will go on a date."

I am mockingly say, "You can go on one, finally."

He holds my hand even more tightly and says, "What are you talking about? I am already on one. I am not letting you leave this time. For years, your memories have been with me. I have thought about you a lot. I think you are going to be enough for me always."

I smile and hold his hand to express my agreement. His words are going to be etched in my mind forever.